At some point in your life, you have probably done it. You have read into other people’s words and made assumptions about what you thought they were saying. You take offense and put on your defenses. Most likely, an argument ensues and you are left wondering what went wrong. This is often the case in our intimate relationships and one we target in couple’s counseling.

What would it be like if we could actually hear our partner’s message without muddying it with our interpretations or assumptions? What would it be like if we asked clarifying questions instead of reacting defensively? I imagine couples would argue less and have greater understanding and empathy for their partners.

To communicate effectively with others, we must first learn how to listen. Researchers suggest there are four different listening styles:

• Active Listening. If you are actively listening to your partner, you are paying attention to their words and expressions. You are making good eye contact and following what they are saying. When you first dated one another, you probably practiced this quite a bit. You could talk for hours and never tire of hanging onto one another’s every word.
• Reflective Listening. Counselors and therapists practice this type of listening on a daily basis. This type of listening involves actively listening but also summarizing and reflecting back to your partner what you heard them communicate. For example, your spouse may be venting about their day at work and instead of jumping in and fixing the problem, you offer empathy and understanding.
• Passive Listening. This may happen when you are listening but also may be distracted. You could be tired from a long day and have your own thoughts running through your mind. You are not trying to ignore your partner and you try to reengage, but you just aren’t in tune with what they are saying.
• Detached Listening. This style of listening is found when you could seemingly care less what your partner is saying. Maybe you are watching football or catching up on Facebook, but you are not stopping what you are doing to listen. Instead, your body language displays an obvious lack of interest.

Of the four types of listening, active and reflective listening is what we teach our clients to use in their relationships. Instead of reacting to what their partner is saying, they reflect what they heard by summarizing the content. This type of listening allows for partners to clarify the message received and then respond from a less defensive posture. Let’s look at an example of a couple in which one of the partners reacts defensively rather than reflecting and responding.

Husband: I was thinking that we could buy a rental property for investment purposes. It would be a great way to make some extra money, and you know I have always wanted my own business. I found this one place that would be great. They are asking $125,000 for it. The place is right near the local university, and we could rent it to students. What do you think?

Wife: What do I think? I think you are crazy. Where are we going to come up with $13,000 for a down payment? We are already stretched thin as it is, and now you want to throw our hard-earned money down the drain. What if you can’t get renters? We could lose our house. No, there is no way we can do this.

What did you notice about their interaction? The wife reacts defensively right away. She begins predicting the future and crushes his dream. Sure she has some legitimate concerns, such as how they are going to come up with the money for a down payment or find renters. But she does not give her husband a chance to explain. She just jumps to conclusions and shuts down any conversation. Do you think her husband will want to talk with her more about this? Maybe, but he also may think that she will not understand his dreams or have enough faith in him to trust his judgment.

Now, let’s take a look at a case where the wife practices reflective listening.

Husband: I was thinking that we could buy a rental property for investment purposes. It would be a great way to make some extra money, and you know I have always wanted my own business. I found this one place that would be great. They are asking $125,000 for it. The place is right near the local university, and we could rent it to students. What do you think?

Wife: Well, I hear that you have put a lot of thought into buying a property. I can tell you are excited by this possibility. I also recognize that you have dreamt a while about starting your own business. It is obvious that this is important to you. Can you tell me more about how you plan on getting a down payment to get started?

In this scenario, the wife reflects her husband’s hopes and dreams. She does not react out of her own fear but respects him by validating his feelings and asking how he plans to accomplish this. This example of reflective listening sets the tone for their conversation and allows the husband to explain his plans in more detail.

While communication is something we all do, it is not something we all do well. We are not taught these skills in school but learn what is modeled to us by our parents and others throughout childhood. But take heart, unlike a dog, you can learn new tricks. It just takes practice. Here are four skills for you to get started:

1. Reflective Listening. Manage your emotions and fears by practicing this skill. Reflect back to your partner what you heard them  say. Start by using these key phrases: “So I hear you saying . . .” or “It sounds like . . .”
2. Clarifying Statements/Questions. Try not to react but respond by asking clarifying questions to ensure you are tracking with your partner. For example, say “Let me make sure I am following you . . .” or “Are you saying this . . .?”
3. “I” vs. “You” Statements. Be sure to use “I” statements when talking with your partner instead of “You.” When we say, “You make me so angry,” we are accusing our partner rather than communicating how we feel about a situation. Try saying, “I felt hurt when you did that. I don’t like it.”
4. Avoid using “always” or “never.” These words also connote a sense that your partner is always in the wrong and never in the right. It may feel like you always have the same arguments, but it is possible to change by removing these communication busters from your vocabulary.

It is possible to improve communication with your partner. But it will require work. Are you ready to put these skills into practice? Maybe you would rather have a third-party help you learn and practice these skills. If so, contact one of our therapists at Hidden Stream Counseling.

 By Kelly Harrison, MACC, LMFT, LPCA
 Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional  Counselor Associate in Raleigh, NC.